As the smoke clears the and toilet paper goes to where all good toilet paper should go to (I don't know where that is, and I don't want to know, I press a button, water magically appears and carries all my troubles away), a few moments for some reflection on the Phil-Asia Championships in the Philippines.

Firstly the results, obviously not happy with where we both placed, but such is this sport of ours - subjective and down to the eyes of the beholders - in this case the 11 judges, 2 Kiwis and 9 from all over the shop.  And what they were looking for, another case of who knows! 

Condition wise, Vanessa came in looking sharp, and I thought it was going to be down to a two way clash between Janinie Haywood and Vanessa for the title.  Both cut up, lean and muscular.  But as I said, subjective - Janine placed 3rd, Ness 5th, with a gil with zero leg definition between them, go figure - we've given up! 

Me though, who knows what went wrong, but plenty did.  Flat was the word Vanessa used as I came off stage on the Thursday, and even after a night of eating as many carbs as a human could without blowing up, Friday, while I did look better, I was still nowhere near the condition I was in from Nationals, or even from harbour a week before this comp.  Too many lean downs, not drinking enough water, body not responding to carbs as it has in the past, a 12 hour flight, the heat - I have no idea to be honest!  But for whatever reason from the above, I did not look anywhere near my best.

So while Ness and I both placed 5th, I would call my 5th a 'lucky to place that high', and Ness's 'unlucky to place that low'!!

But I'm not here to bitch and moan too much about our placings, instead, this soap-box can turn into a positive.  Why, well, halfway through the Friday night show I said to Mark (Dreyer) as we were moaning  about being back stage for the 3rd hour, that, "if he hears me complain again about an NABBA two format show in the future to give me an uppercut".  I am sure most NABBA competitors have, like me, in the past hated and moaned about the pre judging - break - night show format of shows.  Well, that would have been BLISS in the Philippines.  Try a Thursday pre judge, a Friday morning rehearsal and then a Friday night show for size.  THEN you've got something to moan about!  So if anyone out there hears a complaint about two format shows in the future, try a two day format, with a rehearsal in thrown in for luck, and then maybe you can moan a little, until then, back off!!

Not only the time line thing - organisation.  Sure some competitions that we attend in New Zealand might seem to be a little Mickey Mouse in their organisation, but to be fair, especially now, any and all of the NABBA shows I have now attended (10 or so over the last two years) or more like NASA run events after the interesting experiences in Cebu!

Where to start then?  Well, what better place, the weight in.  Or rather, in my case, the 'tell them your height and weight' in.  Yep, I really don't think it mattered much at all as to height and weight.  I was the first competitor through the system (and I use that term loosely), and it was a little hit and miss..

To start, the height measure.  They were busy putting inch marks on the wall with their vivid marker as I approached.  And then with a piece of paper (wouldn't something like a set square (or whatever you call it do a better job), he levelled it acorss my head to the wall.  I hope it didn't sag too much.  Not that it mattered, as they had only marked the wall up to 5' 9"!  So he asked my what my height normally is, "179.5cm" I replied.  "OK, that'll do, go and tell the ladies on the desk".  So accuracy not really mattering much here, and had I been a dishonest type who was worried about weight in perhaps, you could add a few centimetres or inches without a worry in your head.
So two thumbs up to NABBA NZ ere - I think I have been measured maybe four or five times, and still have not been able to stretch even another .1 out of the measure - 179.5 every time.

OK, so if you think the height was a debacle (well, I did), the weigh-in was even better.  The scales were one of the old type scales where you slide the little weights across the scale - like in the Ali v Foreman fights when the boxers get weighed.  But this time there was no official there to weight me.  Once I had worked out how to use the scales, I again just walked to the desk and told them my weight, which was about 78kg.  Again, I could have told them anything.  But also again, I don't think the weight and the height mattered one iota. 

It got better though, the Women's Figure category, well, no weight in and no height needed.  Just enter and go for it.  So you could waltz up and enter physique or figure as your heart so desired.  So all the Kiwi girls who had been doing what they do to keep in their weight to height ratios, could have been doing whatever they bloody well liked!  And when you look back, I'm tipping the women that came first, and fourth, both not Kiwis would not have made their weights.  Pretty disheartening.

So again, NABBA, with officials by those cursed digital scales, recording your heights and weights on those forms and signing you off, well, it may take time, but the system works, you all know that 'so and so' is obviously at the right weight, and you have a level playing field.

OK, so we've all weighed in (for what reason, still to be revealed to this day), now the fun really begins.  We all know as bodybuilders that the back stage schedule is always fun as to timing and when you need to pump up before you get on stage.  Constantly asking the back stage marshal, 'How long before [add category here] is on"?  Well, the long suffering heroes and heroines at NABBA level are superb at this, and always have been - getting it from all angles, and doing their best, which is usually more than good enough. 

Oh, but from the start - it looked the goods.  They had a running order on the wall, so we had at least a guideline, which was handy as the backstage marshal was auditioning for a role in the next invisible woman movie, and doing a fantastic job.  However, this running order had as much relevance to the competition as the running order for the 2007 NZ Nationals.

Allow me to explain (you have no choice, shut up and read), I also entered the Masters physique class, which was meant to be the class before athletic (theory being that I'd be well pumped up for the athletic class, fact being I started to get cramps, which leads me to believe I was just too dehydrated).  The Masters was meant to be the class after the women's Figure.  The Figure was meant to be the second class on, or the first I think, but had already been shifted down one to behind the Novice.  Anyway, we're backstage in the 900 degree heat, pumping Ness up and getting tan right and all that jazz and the call comes as the Novice class comes off stage, "now, Masters physique".  So, I pop my head around the corner, yell at Mark 'We're on", and out we scoot, zero pump up, zero mental prep.  Meantime, Vanessa and the other three Kiwi girls have been pumping up for two hours...

Once again, NABBA back stage helpers, if anyone, me especially, gives you grief, ever again, feel free to launch a nice right cross, or uppercut to the jaw region!  The worst that happens is you might be five minutes late one way or the other, not often that a whole class get shunted one ahead...  Personally I do try and be polite though on competition days, grumpy as I may seem, as the job of the backstagers is the worst in the world!  I must confess though to losing my rag once - at Neville (from Wellington I think it was, Nationals 2009), when after pumping up, and lining up ready to go on stage, we were told that, "there is now going to be a 15 minute break".  I did apologize later on though once I had calmed down!

Anyway, backstage was a bit of a shambles at the pre judging - certainly not up to NABBA standard, I think we get a little spoilt here in NZ, we just don't know how good we have it.  Right, so that was the pre judging, done and dusted and about as organised as Napoleon's  invasion of Russia in 18 whatever it was...

Right, so in a NZ NABBA show, now it'd be home to the Motel for the few hours rest between the morning judging and the night show.  And that would seem like bliss in hindsight!

But this show, nope, a two day extravaganza, which meant, another day of carb starvation for competitors, and an early start as a rehearsal was needed at the venue for the Friday night show!  Competitors coming onto stage in their, categories to music, doing a pose and then going off again.  A fine idea in theory, but a shambles in action.  This left a few of the big boppers none too happy either, the bitching and moaning in the bus on the way to the venue was something to behold!  And rightly so, especially when the schedule we'd been handed out the day before said any competitors that did not turn up to the 8:30am rehearsal would be disqualified.  This was bought up by the grumpy big bopper who won the Physique tall class.  In no uncertain terms either (guessing from the tone in his voice, as he was spouting off in Pilipino (I s'pose, it certainly wasn't English)!  But the gist was, "if it's good enough for me to get here early to do all this for you, why is it not good enough for such and such (the arrogant big bopper who won the medium class, was not disqualified, and who won the overall title) to be here"?  The organiser then went into a five minute speech that said nothing, and so it proved, no disqualifications.  Was not very well handled I thought at all, but as Dorothy said in that Wizard of Oz movie, “we’re not in Kansas anymore Toto”…

The night show then arrived, finally! And to start trying to cram about ten million competitors into five inches of space didn’t really work too well! But that’s pretty standard at any rate, always hard to cram a million bodies back stage wherever you are! The marshalling went better too, and there was a bloody good crowd – it was a real buzz to be out there, and when you get a few oooo’s and aaaahhhhh’s and applause from the crowd during your routine you feel like king of the world (I‘ve always liked the crucifix pose, and so did the crowd)!

All in all though, despite going for about ten hours (well, 4 maybe, they always seem to take forever the night shows), the night show ran pretty well and too schedule. They threw in a few ‘ínformecials’, the MC going on about how people need to get fit to fight obesity etc, and should join a gym (preferably one of the ones that we own), but fair enough, they are in this to make a buck too at the end of the day. But it did add a few minutes to an already long night.

And time for another upper cut for any complaints about the pose downs at NABBA. Sure no one really likes them (well, no one that I know anyway), but NABBA knows the score, and 30 seconds is ample, as opposed to the three or four minutes that we got in the Philippines! Ran out of ideas in the end on what to do so started wandering from side to side and finding someone to pose beside!

Lastly, the best part of the night for me, and something that you could do at local NABBA shows if you could somehow finish them earlier, the ‘victory dinner’! There is nothing better than sitting down with your fellow starvee’s and eating something! There was an after-match dinner in Rarotonga last year for the Asia Pacific Championships, and that was superb, as was this. Nice to eat nice food with nice people at the end of a long season! The BOP NABBA show also had food backstage this year, lots of food, which is fine and dandy if you’re not in the Overalls, or in the pairs, but is a neat idea and I know the bodybuilders love it! But with having to get out of venues by certain times, the tidy ups and so forth, sometimes not feasible I know, but worth trying to factor in if possible!

So that was the competition in Cebu, an experience and a half. As we were told at the start by Jim and Janine, expect the unexpected and be prepared for anything! I think we were prepared for the anything, except the fact of my body not responding as expected! So all the curve balls thrown by the competition were successfully navigated, but the curve balls thrown by my body were three strikes and you’re out!

In comparison to Kiwi shows, a bit of a shambles, but certainly plenty to work on for the organisers and next years show!

Now Cebu, as a place, hmmm, where to start, we certainly experienced the highs and the lows – the low being the Diplomat Motel where we spent the first three nights, and the high when we spent the last might at the Marriott before flying back to civilisation!

So a list of highlights and just the amzing-ness of the place, but where to start – just as they come back into my head…

• Banks. The banks had guards. Big deal you say. The banks though had three guards each, and locked doors. Two guards outside, one armed with a pump action shotgun, the other two just with holstered side arms. That caused a double take when I first walked past.

• Banks though, that was nothing. The local Jellybee (a Philippines version of McDonalds) drive through also had an armed guard patrolling. A shotgun though was not good enough for him, nope, he had an M16 and two side arms. Think his favourite movie would have to be Rambo…

• Still on the subject of banks, the armoured cars in the Philippines were armoured cars – looked like they could have led the Allies onto the beaches on D-Day. The doors had gun ports even. As one of our taxi drivers said, “lots of bad people around here”!

• Shopping – when you walk into a store (this was in the flash mall by the Marriot), about ten bloody shop assistants pounce on you like bloody vultures. It made shopping for me easy, as I just didn’t go into shops. Ness in the end would just tell them to go away, I call you if I need help!

• The local supermarket / mini-mall type place near the Diplomat. When you went in, the armed guard at the door would run a metal detector over you, and pat you down for weapons!! We ended up calling the place Patdown, as opposed to Countdown.

• Petrol – was about 52 pesos a litre – that’s just over a dollar kiwi money. I expect though there are NO carbon emission taxes, GST, ACC levies or ANYTHING added to the cost. Cheap as a cheap thing though, and not surprising, as there were always about a million cars on the road.

• Taxis, they were exciting – especially when they take you down the back roads to and from the event centre for the Friday show – thought we were about to star in one of those kidnap movies in a foreign country! And the bloke that drove us back to the Diplomat after the Friday show – his taxi was Mad Max material, as was his driving! Speedo showed 160 when we started, and he got up to about 220 kph. Yes, speedo broken. Engine broken, the car could not idle, he had to keep revving the hell out of the old beast. I also think he might have been colour blind, as the red lights seemed to be ignored, an optional extra.

• The way women were ogled at down the street by the men. Ness felt uncomfortable walking around with the staring all the time, certainly would not have walked anywhere by herself. Women certainly second class citizens in the Philippines. It wasn’t very safe around our Diplomat – Paul Mountforts mum can attest to this, she was walking along and two young kids came along and stole her earrings. From her ears no less, lucky to not have the ear lobes ripped, not the sort of experience you want, or need while on ‘holiday’!

• Anything and everything was for sale. We took the wrong power point converter with us, and when Ness went to the counter to ask to borrow / buy one they had none to sell. So they took one out of the wall and tried to sell it to her. Ness also commented to a fellow competitor that she loved the shade of her mascara – the women then tried to sell it to her, “just 100 peso”!

• There were millions (it seemed) of ex military jeeps and other ex military type vehicles turned into buses.  All painted up in different styles and racing around like they knew what they were doing.  Tourist type things and just bus routes I expect, but lord knows where they'll take you, I expect you just look for the same garishly coloured vehicle after you have got off wherever you are, and get back on it again and hope you find your way back to home base. 

• Power lines.  I think Cebu must have the strongest power poles in the world, as they also have the most power cables per square inch of pole known in the history of the world!  Reckon you could just throw a power cord over any of them and get enough juice to power half the known world.

I am sure there were many more things that I have forgotten - Ness will remind me, but Cebu, not an ideal holiday destination for these campers.

Check out all the photos here on facebook.

Off season now, time to enjoy some good food and some better training.  Take care everyone!